How much time do you spend avoiding, postponing and/or dreading having that hard conversation? Don’t you wish there was a way to increase your probability of having a successful outcome while decreasing the amount of angst you have to go through? Well…there is, but it requires NOT doing all those things you have learned to do.

DO prepare for the conversation. Take the time to explore in your own mind what you are uncomfortable about. Be honest with yourself about the real source of the problem — we all have a tendency to over-weight the other person’s wrongs and underweight our own. Force yourself to keep exploring until you get to the “root cause” — sometimes it may seem like the emotion we had was directly triggered by the action of the person we are upset with, but in truth the emotion comes from our interpretation of that action or our own history or association with a situation that feels similar. It doesn’t mean you have no right to be upset…and in fact, the other person may value knowing what your “buttons” are. But “sharing your feelings and reactions” feels very different for the other person than “taking the blame”.

Once you are clear on what happened and why it upset you, DO take time to clearly think through what you want to have happen. This desired result can range from “I just want to be heard” to “I want a specific action from the other person”. Be as specific as you can be — I can almost guarantee the other person, even if they want to, can’t read your mind and know what you need.

If it helps, DO organize your thoughts in the following way:
1) Describe the situation you want to talk about. Try to keep in “behavioral”, citing only what you see the other person doing.
2) Share with them the impact this situation has on you. It may be tempting to “pile on” by listing all the other people who feel the same way…don’t!
3) Suggest a possible solution.

Once you get to this part, it may be tempting to “go for the close”, to try to keep pushing to get what you just asked for. Resist the temptation. Better to invite the other person to share his or her thoughts, react to your suggestion, explain how he or she might see the situation differently. DO listen with an open mind and really hear what the other person says. Don’t let the other person disregard your feelings, but if it turns out that you misinterpreted or misunderstood, there is nothing to be ashamed about.

Do be willing to negotiate the solution rather than cling to the one you offered originally. The other person may be very willing to change, but just not comfortable with some of the suggestion you made. Together you can figure out what will work for you both.

Finally, DON’T be too much of a “hard ass”. We all have a tendency to want to have the other person take us seriously, so we may come off as cold and intimidating. And isn’t the most important message “I care and I want this relationship to change so I can be close to you”. Try starting with that feeling — you will be surprised how much further you get