Often, by the time a company calls me in, the individuals needing help have been having the same unsatisfying conversation over and over and over. Regardless of what topic they try to talk about, soon they find themselves airing the same old complaints, even using the same terms in the same voices. It’s very obvious to me that only the “presenting problem” is new — and it just serves as a new way for the people involved to air their same old complaints.

Why? These are smart people, with lots to do. Why would they waste time (and frustrate themselves) like this? Why is it so hard for them to find solutions?

The simple answer is…they are “choosing to lose”. They have ceased to focus on solving the “presenting problem”, choosing instead to “make up for past hurts” or “make sure they aren’t vulnerable” or “make sure they aren’t seen as weak”.

One of my favorite authors, Terrence Real, identifies five “losing strategies”:
- Needing to be right
- Controlling the other person
- Unbridled self-expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawal
He says that in relationships where conflict has happened over and over, people choose one of the strategies above rather than choosing to actually try to work together to solve the problem. Have you seen others (or yourself) demonstrate any of these behaviors?

I tell clients to pay attention to non-verbal behaviors in both themselves and the person they are in conflict with. When voices rise, people lean forward, talk faster, start bringing up extraneous examples, break eye contact…all of these are indications that one or both has launched a “strategy” and stopped really being engaged in problem solving. And it’s a pretty good indication that one of you has “chosen to lose” (if you define “winning” as solving the problem without ruining the relationships).

Choosing a “strategy” might feel better in the moment. You might feel powerful (or at least not vulnerable) or feel like you have “stuck up for yourself” or “not let yourself be pushed around”. But don’t ignore the fact that in using a strategy, you are choosing not to “win”.

So next time there is conflict, take a deep breath and “fight clean”. If you do, your “opponent” may also…and you’ll be surprised how you both might win.