Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: January 3, 2011
As the old year ends and a new year begins, I often ask my clients “what do you want to have be different in the coming year?” This year many of my clients said, “I want to be at peace”.
As I pushed a little, they said they wanted to “not worry” or to “not feel anxious”. Some said “to learn acceptance” or “learn to give up control”. Clearly for those of us “Silicon Valley” types, this is not a simple task.
I myself have spent much of the last year trying to learn acceptance and to give up control. Funny, when people ask for my help, either with their company issues or their personal issues, the last thing they want to hear from me is “I can only teach you how to accept what is”.
Of course, the acceptance I am referring to does not mean not doing anything about the current problem. It means letting down the denial and avoidance, the story telling and bullying others not to tell the truth, the “I have everything under control” fakery that many of our leaders think is part of their role. It means accepting the truth of whatever situation the client is in, letting themselves see the true root cause…and then deciding what to do about it.
It may seem that letting down the defenses might cause MORE anxiety as we and those around us realize how hard the problems are or that we don’t know the “right” answer. But, truly, no one ALWAYS knows the RIGHT answer. Those people who take on hard challenges have to realize that there is a reason no one else has solved those problems. There is no shame in “not knowing”…only in “not admitting” or “not trying”.
So, for all of you who think the idea of “inner peace” sounds like an attractive goal for 2011, I give you one of my favorite quotes:
Peace.
It does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. It means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: September 28, 2010
I was talking to another consultant last week. We were both pondering the question of why so many of our clients (or potential clients) seemed to not be willing to make the changes that seem so obviously necessary to us. Her opinion was that people are too afraid of doing something new, of not knowing what is going to happen.
I think it goes deeper than that. I think there are layers:
Denial
It seems to me that the person tries first not to see the problem. We are all so schooled to believe that we have to know everything that it is easier to NOT see a problem than to see a problem we don’t know how to solve (or have failed trying to solve). Sometimes this denial takes the form of arguing whether the problem exists, or whether people are just “whiners”. Sometimes the argument is about the root cause of the problem. Almost always there is an argument about whose fault it is.
Resistance
Even after a person is willing to see there is a problem, they aren’t always willing to do something about it. Sometimes the resistance is “active” — the person actively works against (or refuses to engage) in the effort to solve the problem. Other times the resistance is more “passive” — the person just somehow always forgets to come to the meeting or complete the deliverable…
Hopelessness
Then there are those who are willing to admit the problem exists, are even willing to admit they could do something about it…but just don’t. Frequently they will explain that they just don’t have the energy, or they just don’t think it will work, or they just can’t try and fail again…
But it does all come down to fear. As my friend said, people know what they get when they do what they have always done. They don’t know what will happen if they try something new…they could fail, or look stupid, or lose power, or have to move on. Or maybe have to confront all the other places in their lives that might need changing.
Is this you? Have you tolerated and excused away and minimized your dissatisfaction with an are in your life because you don’t know what to do…or are afraid to do it? It may be that someone out there is willing to (maybe even trying to) help…all you have to do is be ready to ask.
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: September 13, 2010
I was working with a client last week — a VERY successful leader. Along with her success, however, comes stress and tension and (lately) health issues. I asked her, “How much of your time do you spend “forcing” things — trying to push or control or resist or dictate what needs to happen?”
Of course, she looked at me as if I was nuts (funny how often I get that look from my clients) and said “all of it — isn’t that what it means to be a leader?”
Well…no. I know that the business world puts great value on “take change” leadership, people who know exactly the right answer and “can make things happen”. And, of course, sometimes that is exactly the right leadership style.
But what about all the other times when we just default to control and “force” because it makes us feel better? Couldn’t it be true that sometimes we act as if we know exactly the right thing to do because we wish we did? Or because we think we are supposed to? Or because we want others to think we have everything under control?
But what if….just imagine…we neither needed to nor should ALWAYS be in control. What about letting other people have good ideas, or learn, or feel valuable? Isn’t it possible that others could have different experience than we do — and that their experience or point of view could be more accurate in a situation than ours is?
The problem with spending all your time in “force” with all your energy going out to try to get others to do things is that nothing can ever get in. No new point of view. No creative thinking. No new information. No laughter. No joy. No love. No insight.
Think about it. The next time you feel yourself moving into “force” ask “is this really necessary?” Try waiting, paying attention, being open to what others may have to offer. Try “allowing” something new to happen.
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: September 7, 2010
In a recent series of blog posts about “the job of a CEO”, Matt Blumberg of ReturnPath suggested a CEO should work with a coach. This represented great progress since one of the CEO’s I worked with expressed a fear that admitting to his Board that he worked with a coach might make them think he wasn’t ready for the job.
In fact, having a coach has become somewhat “trendy”…but I find that the definition of coaching (and the expected value received) varies.
When I am asked “do you think I should have a coach”, I explain that a good coach should do three things:
1) Serve as a “thought partner”. Especially for a CEO, but also for anyone in a leadership role, there are limits to where and when you can expose your own uncertainties. Sometimes “being human” is completely appropriate and actually helps build confidence and connection in the team (by making it acceptable to not know everything). Other times, it is best to find a trusted “behind the scenes” partner to whom you can ask questions, express doubts and explore possible options for action.
2) Provide tools, techniques and approaches that others in similar situations have used. It is not necessary for each executive to make his or her own mistakes. Sometimes you can learn from what others have tried. A coach should be able to bring experience with clients who have been in similar situations, along with an analysis of what they tried and how it worked. You can then assess the likelihood of success for the various approaches in your situation.
3) Pointing out blind spots. Unfortunately, being hired as an executive does not relieve us of our humanity. We all still have blind spots, based on inexperience or lack of objectivity (along with our tendency to perceive what is going on through a screen created by our own fears). A good coach will be able to challenge your thinking when your perceptions might be colored by your emotions. More important, a good coach should be able to help you understand why the blind spot exists so you won’t encounter it a second time.
Personally, I think any executive should have someone (maybe more than one someone) who can serve as a coach. I think it is an advantage for a leader to admit that no one knows everything, no one is always right, no one is superhuman. Securing resources that will help you ensure that you are making the best possible decisions may in fact be the mark of the true leader.
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: August 26, 2010
Faith. Is that a weird word to use in a business context? I can just hear the venture capital clients I work with screaming “I don’t want my CEO’s having faith! I want them getting results!”
But what if you need faith to get results?
This has been such a hard time for people. I see and feel their fear, their reluctance to take risks or try new things or step outside the comfort zone of what they are used to and can predict the outcome of (even if the outcome is the same old thing they don’t like). And if people are “in trouble” — if they think they are failing, or are in conflict, or have been told they haven’t been performing well — they really go into “hunker down” mode and try to avoid feedback and experimentation and opening up (all the things they need to do in order for things to get better).
I saw the movie Eat Pray Love over the weekend. (Yes, I know it was a chick flick, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a source of inspiration). A line from the movie said “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the path to transformation”. Sure, a year off traveling in Italy, India and Indonesia doesn’t seem like ruin to me, but I understand her feelings about the “dismantling” of her life that led to the trip.
Sometimes we just can’t seem to “give up” — our image, our safety, our predictable lives — until we have no other choice. Also in Eat Pray Love, one of the characters describes the “ego” ( the identity we create to deal with the outside world): “That’s just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling separate…tries to convince you that you’re flawed and broken and alone instead of whole….Your ego’s job isn’t to serve you. It’s only job is to keep itself in power. And right now your ego is scared to death cuz it’s about to be downsized.” Our ego fights pretty hard when it feels us becoming strong enough to dump it.
So, if you are one of the people in fear, one who is trying to hold on and hold out..ask yourself whether you would be willing to get on the path to transformation. See if maybe it is time to let some of what you have been clinging to fall away…and see what new, healthy, creative part of you will be revealed. It is time to pay less attention to fear, and more attention to faith. As Sharon Salzberg says in Faith “It means feeling our fear and still remaining in touch with our heart, so that fear does not define our entire world”
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: July 27, 2010
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot. — Eleanor Roosevelt
I am helping a client prepare for the staff retreat in which they will present their strategic plan. As for many of my clients, the last 2 years has been challenging for this group — they had to do layoffs, have had several management changes, have felt the stress of financial uncertainty.
In presenting the strategic plan I wanted us to honor where the group has been while building confidence and optimism about where the organization is going. I wasn’t quite sure how to do that…so I decided to talk individually to members of the staff about their feelings.
After each call I was in tears. Almost universally the people talked about the surprising rewards they have obtained on the journey, the ways they have grown, the talents they have discovered, the experiences they have had (and learned from) because they couldn’t just thrown money at the issue or move on to something that wasn’t quite so hard. As several people explained, “I found out I was really good at something I would have been afraid to try if I hadn’t had to”.
This is the reward from our journey. It’s as if life refuses to let us be less than we can be. It drags us (sometimes kicking and screaming) into the very areas we are most afraid of or least confident in…and leaves us there until we HAVE to figure it out.
So…we can look at how hard the last few years have been…or we can look at how we have grown. You decide…
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: July 13, 2010
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and the spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind” — Alex Karras
The world of Venture Capital and venture-backed start-ups is definitely a world of “alpha males” (even the females!) There is a huge value placed on toughness and force and “the ability to get things done”. But how much of that is really because that style is effective…and how much just because everyone is afraid of losing respect if they look “weak”?
I have watched conflicts arise and get worse (when I know people really want to work together), watched people draw false and very negative conclusions about another (who I know really wants to be liked), seen deals fall apart and people lose their jobs when it really doesn’t have to happen…all because someone is afraid of not looking strong. In truth, in all those instances, true strength would have been being honest, saying “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know” or “I was wrong”.
I have also seen leaders who had the courage (and knew when) to reveal themselves in service of modeling humility and the ability to make mistakes, who weren’t afraid to show that they cared, who had enough confidence to admit when they didn’t know (but would figure it out). Those were the leaders I thought were really strong.
Can you be the one to “buck the trend”? To show real courage?
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: July 1, 2010
I am a consultant, an advisor. And yet I always tell people, I am no expert. All I know is what I have experienced myself along the way.
So here are 10 things I have learned, that I believe, about Life:
1) Life gives us the lessons we need, not the lessons we want at the time or in the way we want to learn them.
2) Our view of our problems, desired solutions and path to achieve those solutions is impacted heavily by our emotions, particularly fear.
3) Therefore, if we do what our rational mind tells us to do, we are likely to “get in our own way”. Our attempts to control, manipulate, persuade will only make the path longer and harder.
4) When we say “I can’t bear to do that, or feel that, or have that happen”…we may be identifying exactly what we need to do or feel or experience.
5) Our success depends on our curiosity, acceptance and willingness to engage. Along with our compassion and sense of humor
6) Along the way we may have to sacrifice the image we thought we had to maintain to be successful, to be loved, and embrace the person we really are. And that may feel very scary.
7) We need to accept there is no “right” path..only a “right for us” path. No one can tell us what that path is — we discover it by honestly looking at our feelings. And it will not be comfortable.
8) We don’t get any points for being right or good or behaving well or doing what we are asked to do. We learn that other people’s approval is based more on us doing “what makes them feel comfortable” than what is really “right”. And, in the long run, being comfortable is not the best thing for any of us.
9) Life wants us to be fully who we are. It will settle for nothing less.
10) Peace comes from accepting that there is a place for us all, a place where we will be able to use all our most precious gifts…but it may not be the place we thought we wanted.
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: June 28, 2010
In a book I was reading this weekend, the author described someone as “fleeing the pain of powerlessness… taking flight to the illusion of dominance”.
It made me think about how often I see clients taking flight — to the illusion of strength, Or control. Or not needing help. Or knowing all the answers.
It makes me sad…first of all, because it reinforces how shameful it is in our business culture to need help or advice or to not know something. So given a choice between asking for help or staying stuck but looking like they aren’t…people choose illusion.
It also makes me sad to think about all the energy that goes into maintaining that illusion. You can’t think or talk about solutions…because that implies there is a problem. You can’t listen to other people’s feelings or observations or ideas…because that would imply you don’t already know the answer. You can’t connect with others or get or give support…because that would imply you need support. So all the energy goes into denial, into staying stuck exactly where you are.
And the prognosis is bad. We’ve all seen people who are putting their energy into maintaining their illusion. They are agitated and aggressive and argumentative and resistant. And soon everyone around them loses interest and willingness to keep trying to break down the walls.
The saddest part is that usually the problem they are denying isn’t that awful. It’s usually nothing that isn’t solvable, that doesn’t happen to many other companies or individuals. Sure, it might take doing something new or uncomfortable. It might take listening to another point of view or telling someone the truth or saying “sorry” or “I was wrong”. But then you get to move on and start putting energy into something positive…and watch things get better.
So next time you get the urge to flee…ask yourself whether this time you want to achieve more than illusion.
Posted by: Nancy Raulston on: April 14, 2010
I hope you have had an experience where the group you are in catches fire — ideas are bouncing off the walls and everyone is enthusiastic and you all have unlimited amounts of confidence and energy moving forward.
I’m afraid more and more I see the opposite — organizations that are afraid. A friend and I were talking about this today, how the fact of the matter is a lot of organizational leadership is about making decisions you know are likely to be “wrong” (or as a CEO I worked with liked to say, specifically wrong but directionally correct). But rather than accept the idea that the best they can hope for is to be “right enough” to have the chance to course correct later, many organizational (and individuals) move into paralyzing fear.
Of course, if the people thought it was ok to admit they were afraid, they might be able to move through the fear. Instead, they seem to adopt any number of ineffective “fear minimization techniques” — excessive arguing, never making decisions, criticism and blame of someone else if something goes wrong, “us vs. them” fueds, avoidance, etc.
As Jack Kornfield puts it in A Path with Heart, our fear causes us to “contract”, to begin building a “false sense of self”. Rather than say we don’t know, or feel the anxiety of not being sure, we limit our choices, make hasty decisions or refuse to decide, snap at whoever brings issues up, isolate ourselves…We cut ourselves off from asking for help, enlisting others in the decision, really looking at where the fear comes from. Instead we put forward a “false self” that seems bigger and more confident (and less approachable) than we really are.
Unfortunately, fear in organizations is contagious. The “contracted behavior” from one person triggers contracted behavior in others. The CEO becomes critical of any ideas, so the VP’s begin to join the game of “criticize others but offer nothing yourself”, so “us and them” wars spring up between departments so the employees begin taking less responsibility….Pretty soon you have an organization where nothing positive can happen.
It can be confusing to me coming into an organization like this. I can feel all the blocks, but no one else is willing to admit they are there — because if they admit it they will have to change it, which they think means they have to go back to feeling the fear they have defended against. But the “blocks” CAN be taken down, if enough people within the organization are able to take one more risk…with help.
Is your organization in fear? Think about the last time you openly discussed a new idea, or identified a problem, or took on the responsibility to try something new…Don’t you miss it?
